What Would My Mother Say?

Coming from an Italian household and being the last of six children, I have to say I've had a wonderful childhood. The nearest sibling to me is 8 years older, but of course, we never, ever discuss age. I really never got a chance to say much as a child. My sisters, all older, (second, third and forth mothers) were always intervening for me. I know they did it out of love, but it made me rather shy and self conscious growing up. In any event, I find in my later years, I have so much to say.

What would my mother say about this? " You keep your feelings to yourself, be strong, don't let anyone, especially your children here about any problems, financial, emotional or otherwise, and whatever you do, don't let friends or family know." It's so wierd that I can hear those words like she is standing right in front of me. But my mother came from such a different time and place than me. Things were so different for her, coming to a new country, living thru the Depression, predgudice, marrying my dad, who made Antonio Bandaras look ugly, raising 6 children. Things were always kept quiet, not to make a spectacle or disturbance or draw attention. But she and Dad made sure we had all the advantages that they did not. They did a spectacular job, don't you think?!

Well, getting back to the fact that I have so darn much to say, I'd really like to start at the point of Marrying Bruce. I thought it was forever, I made the promise, so did he. He even had to take classes before we were married about my religion, RC, and signed a paper after completion that we would bring up the children RC. I believed everything!!!! He thought I was a religious fanatic because I went to church on Sundays. Somewhere between marrying him and Christopher and Cheryl, a span of 8 years, he suddenly stopped talking to me, stopped performing husbandly duties, and never, to this day, would tell me what was wrong. After 31 years, I still do not have any closure. I don't know why. I was 28 at the time, 108 lbs. and to everyone else's discription, quite good looking. So what was it? Was I too stupid, to thin, too what?

The hurt took a long, long time to get over and it manifested in many ways, I must say, sabbotaged many of a relationships I could have had, but, I know there are 2 sides to every story. He would just not ever tell me what his was. After 2 years he remarried to an 18 year old. So maybe I was too old? In any event, many years of spitefulness and hurt, I'm ashamed to say, on my part, went by. And of course, my children suffered for it. If I could take that back, erase their pain, die instead, I would do it. I am so sorry they suffered for our mistakes! There is nothing I can do to take it away, but maybe ask them both to forgive me. Tell them that I was 19 when I married their father and I truly thought we would be a loving team like my mother and father. And also tell them that in spite of me, they have loving and loyal relationships and marriages, and I couldn't be more proud of either of them. I don't know if I'm going to have the courage to publish this. There is so much more to the story, like marrying Mr. Wonderful #2. If I could take back one thing in my life and change it, it would be ever knowing him. But he's dead now, and I struggle each day to forgive him. I thought I had forgiven Bruce, but recent events just stir up old, painful memories. I really think he married me because it was time for him to be married. I don't feel he ever respected me or the fact that I was the mother of his children. But we will never know.

I can't even believe I'm writing this. You must think I'm an old embittered women. I have so much to be thankful for. Most of all Cheryl, Greg and Chris and Dannyelle. I bless Our Father everyday for letting me be Cher and Chris' mother and giving me 2 more children in Greg and Dannyelle. I can remember working when Cher and Chris were home, all the time. I was so scared all the time of meeting bills and providing. I was happy when they were home, but wish I could have provided more. I had no back up and no support. I, unfortunately, went it alone. I never thought to ask for help from family or church. I wish I would have now. I have so much more to say, but I'm slowing down because of the hour, but I want you to know that I am reasonably happy, considering my circumstances. And I do so enjoy your pictures, blogs and emails.

Cher and Greg, tell me your not ashamed of me for letting some of this out of my system. I don't think I could bear causing any more pain to you. Please remember I love you always.